When Nothing Happens

Starting a blog to talk about depression when I deal daily with depression was probably not the best idea I've ever had. On the days I'm not as depressed, the last thing I want to do is acknowledge its stalking presence. On the days I am depressed, I don't have the energy or motivation to say anything at all.

Today, I'm at my computer trying not to think about the fact that my baby is in the other room with a reluctant babysitter while I attempt to ignore the all-over-my-body pain from a Herxheimer reaction.

My journey over last few months has brought me to a new place of trust in a God who loves me, but I struggle today to accept that He allows all of this to happen without giving me options that make it all easier to handle. I feel discouraged and inadequate when it comes to dealing with the responsibilities of my life - including getting out of bed in the morning.

Have you ever sat down with a friend after talking about the problems of the world and just stared into the distance for a while without saying anything else? Though the problems are still there, there is an easy silence between you. You're not alone in it. I've been finding recently that sometimes just telling God what I feel and letting Him know what's going on helps me. I think it's got something to do with having a pure heart - literally, being poured out before Him.

When my daughter bonks her head, as she is prone to do right now, there's a lot of pouring out that happens. She is in pain and she didn't want to be. She's honest about it. Short of locking her in a padded room, I can't stop the bonk from happening. I can't rewind and undo the bonk. All I can do is be there, hold her, tell her it's okay, even if she doesn't know the pain will be gone in a moment.

I've started wondering if God doesn't feel the same frustration within the boundaries that He set in the universe. But He's here, willing to hold me and tell me it's okay, even if I don't know it in this moment.

When nothing happens, the clouds don't lift, and the silver lining is inaccessible, it is okay to just sit in the rain for a while. An umbrella is always nice, but not essential. As discouraged as I am to still be in the storm with no sunlight in sight, I am grateful for the easy reach to His hand (which is wet too) and knowing I am not alone.

(Image from SXC)