I'm a woman of many apparent contradictions. I have a wonderful life in many respects. I have a wonderful husband, wonderful family, wonderful friends, and a job that I love. I've been incredibly lucky.I've also been incredibly wounded in my short time here (I'm 27) - and have struggled with depression off and on since I was a teenager. The causes have been both physical and circumstantial/emotional. In all cases the utter blackness that I found within myself has been frightening. Sometimes I have run from it. Sometimes I have walked into it. And sometimes, in the blackness, I have cursed God.
I struggle with chronic illness, and right now it is making me question God more than any of the other times of darkness that I have gone through. Rage is a constant companion of mine. I feel like I've been sidelined from the game of life. I hate what my illness has done to ravage my body. Sometimes, I hate the God who has let it.
Questions, doubt, and depression are not intellectual or theological questions for me. They're right here. Right now.
I hope that by opening up my wounds to share with you, I will be able to encourage you that you are not alone in whatever pain and darkness you are facing. I hope too that by writing I may find a way through this darkness to a God who loves me and ultimately has good for me even in this life.
"I would have lost heart, if I had not believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."
1 comment:
hi Heidi- your post here makes me think of joni. I have just finished her book *the God i love* she shares the emotions and pain she went through after being paralyzed in an accident. I definitely think your sharing will help others to get a grip on their own struggles more and to be comforted knowing they are not alone and crazy. I hope even in the lil amount of time you have been doing this page with kelly that both of you have been blessed by sharing. I mentioned you and kelly on my blog, you both have been inspiring so much :)
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