Over the last nine years or so, I have struggled with health-induced depression, relationship depression, and, most recently, post-partem depression. I received an MS diagnosis that changed to a Lyme diagnosis - an infection that affects everything in my body, including my pituitary gland, which governs my hormones. The physical depression has taken its toll on my heart. At the beginning, I noticed loneliness, and some fear, but in the last nine years, I was transformed from hopeful girl to cynical, reclusive, distrustful woman. Now, I stand hopeful again, walking a little, stumbling. I'm uncertain about the future, more sure of my God, and the rain still falls. I am woman, wife, mother of one, daughter, beloved. I am undeniably God's. These things are true about me. I know this in my head. The person that I feel I am often apologizes for her existence, because she is failure, empty, not enough, and too much. She does not feel lovable, and she is often afraid.
Because I am live and human, I know there will be more struggle to come, but I'm finding healing, instead of standing frozen, waiting for the next hit. For my husband's sake, for my daughter's sake, for my own sake, I am hoping for light at the end of this tunnel.
I hope this blog will encourage you - whether you are walking through depression yourself and need to know it's all right to be there, or whether you are walking with someone who is dealing with it.
We offer you these stories of us from our hearts to yours, a journey in grace.
Please visit me at Restless Heart if you'd like to know more about me outside of this blog.
"I would have lost heart, if I had not believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."
3 comments:
Thank you for doing this...this getting real about where you are at dealing with being depressed.
I struggle with it, though not like what you describe anymore...though I've been there.
For me, just to have someone describe it acurately..the feelings, the pictures..it helps.
Thanks for singing today, Kelly. I heard so many people say how inspired they were by your beautiful, heartfelt expression of our national anthem.
Given how open you are here about your long term struggle with depression (and, given my shorter struggle with the emotional end of depression - but without the physical aspects that you and Heidi deal with), I can imagine how much courage it takes to use your gifting in a context like today.
Please know that it was deeply appreciated, sis.
hi kelly- your words here reach me deeply in myself I feel so much of what you said inside although much more the emotional aspects as opposed to the physical. I cant imagine the courage and fortitude it takes to deal with this as you have and to be able to be so open in a public forum as you and heidi are. I hope you find more and more peace and release as you journey on kelly you definitely move and inspire me from reading your story blessings to you and your family
Post a Comment